|Once again, going down a long and windy road...
||[Feb. 9th, 2006|08:38 pm]
|||||like you fuckin care!||]|
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I constantly sacrifice of myself to help please, amuse, lift up, etc. those that I care about? I've tried many times to find this out, even still, its a mystery to me. Maybe the answer is right infront of my face... I don't know. Earlier, I took a test. A characteristic trait test, one that my mom took for a class, that maybe will help me understand myself a bit better. Honestly, this is the best test I have taken. It has shown to me what exactly I am, how I act, and what I've done. The result:
Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Finds potential in everyone, wants to help others fulfill their potential. May act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitates others in a group, and provides inspiring leadership.
Great, but how the hell does that tell me how to cope and fix my problems and flaws. Whatever... but still. I only came to the campus for 2 reasons today. 2. TWO! Piracy, with the help of the Library, and hanging out with the group (more specifically, certain members of the group). <-- In no particular order. So while waiting for the other members to arrive, I get a call from David saying that he could come over, and I say "Do so" because people will be here. David tells me that I should go to get the trailer to show everyone, but I didn’t want to leave because everyone wasn’t there yet. So I call Dan and ask him to bring it with him. One by one, everyone arrives. Well, Karlis is excited about receiving his paycheck and asks David to take him to go cash it. They leave, and naïve me, naturally assumes that they'll be only a short while. Then Cami, Paul, Caleb, and Megan leave, and while rushing out, Megan says "Watch my stuff, ok?" It seems like I was the only who was paying attention, because I agreed. I also heard an earlier mention of food, so once again, naïve me assumed that they’ll be back in a short while. Then Dan left because he had to get his oil changed. Soon, minutes turned to an hour, an hour turned into two. I lost track of time, and some of the others came, but then promptly left. For about an hour… I was alone. Nobody to talk to, nobody to hang with, nobody. Period. I mean, there were people, but I didn’t know who they were, and they were all playing pool. Soon, I get worried and call David. He mentions that he and Karlis bumped in to his friend Burnie, and they’re hangin out at Bennigan’s. FUCKIN Bennigan’s! So then I call Megan, only to find out that that group has been side tracked to hanging out at the Mall. Yeah, side tracked. When she gets back at like 6:10ish, I apologize to her for snapping a little bit on our previous phone call, and she then says how that made her made. I tell her that she should’ve at least given me a call to let me know that she’ll be running a little late. But then she says she didn’t think that was going to be a problem because I’ve never given her trouble when she left to the mall without me. Back then, I wasn’t watching any of her things… BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT! She didn’t feel that it was a problem?!?!? She not telling me that she’s not going to be back for a while isn’t going to be a problem. You know what, whatever… The thing that hurts most is that those that I try to please, or make happy, or feel better, just in the end to be ignored and pushed aside. I mean, David goes to have lunch with Karlis and a friend of Karlis, whom he probably just met because over the phone, David forgot Burnie’s name. Doesn’t tell me, someone who’s waiting for him to come back to unveil his grand masterpiece of a trailer. And Megan, the sole reason why I brought my pad with me, and she gets wrapped up in the moment and doesn’t tell me, the one watching her things, that she went out of plan, to go with to the mall. Only just to then try to make it seem like its my fault that this happened and why I feel bad in the first place. I mean, sure if it was just her that forgot, but 6 people?!?!?! Is it an epidemic? And it doesn’t stop there, oh no! Forgotten by the friends of my deep rooted past. Another who I have confided in, only to use this knowledge to try to hurt me and boost his own ego and position. My Bro, who never calls, or even tries to find out if I’m ok. Maybe its just my poor ability to discern my poor perceptions and poor choices from the truth, or maybe I’m truly just the person that people go to because they know that I’m always good for a quick laugh and pick me up. I go by so underappreciated, it hurts, and this only helps me assure myself that this may be the case. If I didn’t go underappreciated, why the HELL didn’t anyone fill me in that they go side tracked. If its any consolation, anyone reading would damn well know that if I got side tracked from what was planned, and I knew that there was someone or a group of people waiting for me, I’d call them and let them know what’s up. Even as I type this, nobody’s even coming to the library to check up on me. Or to see if I’m even ok.
And then I go over to the Lobby itself and nobody mentions the topic, or apologizes or anything. Its as if everything didn't happen, everything's ok and nothing is the matter. Some stranger gave me a wave before I entered the lobby, and Paul offered a Dot or two, but that's it. The only one in the lobby I exempt from this is Dan. I knew that he had an oil change appointment at 4:00ish, I heard about the shit he went through, and he showed up after that moment of aloneness and helped me preserve my sanity. At first, when I was typing this, I was going to end this rant with some sort of pussy-footed ending that made it seem like it was ambiguous to whether or not it is in fact my fault, and it went something like this:
"It’s probably my insecurity, and demons from my past. Please, someone, anyone, let me know that this is not the case. Let me know that you all honestly have just become too involved with what you were doing. Please… let me know that it's my bad perception of this whole matter and I'm letting my past get the best of me."
BUT NO! Fuck it. If certain friendships have to be lost and or broken in order to find those that truly care about me. Then let's go. LET'S DO IT!!! You wanna dispute, you wanna argue, you wanna settle this and get to the bottom of if this is total disrespect or just my illusion. Try me. Dispute me. Put me to the test. No more false emotions, no more hiding and bottling up fear of losing "friends", put all differences aside and lets do this. Tell me.
Am I right?
Or am I wrong?
And by God, I hope I'm wrong, because I'd much more enjoy it to be my problem that I have to work out, because my faults, when confronted and tackled, only make me stronger.